Epiphanies

Dear Diary,

Don't you hate it when suddenly everything in the past year comes together and you have a sudden vision of all your ducks lining up in a very neat row that all point to the place you've come to?

Yeah, that just happened to me.

There are several things that have been slowly coming together and now life makes more sense. Even if all my plans fall through, there are some things that have clicked and I have new insight into myself.

K

Thx

Bye

Productive Procrastination

I am... kind of actually sort of supposed to be busy?

I just finished a research project (YAY) and turned it in for grading -- hopefully I do well?
I should be working on my novel/final project...
I should also be working on a script for VBS in two.. months....
I should be SLEEPING

But nah.

I think I'll go buy bleach and clean the bathroom sink.
Or clean my room.

Or I could organize the craft room.

Read a book.

Make bookmarks?


So for the past two weeks I was supposed to be working on the research paper that I just turned in. Instead, my room is cleaner than it's been in months and my sister has a mistcloak.

It can be argued that I was doing some research while making the mistcloak (Writing Excuses is a fantastic podcast for writers go listen to it).

But it's not a very good argument.


It seems like I always get better at cleaning the house and doing the dishes when I should be doing homework so I don't have to freak out like I have been for the past few days.

It's really weird and ALWAYS happens.

When am I stressed? Well, when do you see me frantically cleaning the house?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's a psychological thing. Not going to go out any further because I'm feeling lazy and I really want to be done with researching things on Google for a little bit.

I STILL have things that need to be done.
But here I am.

Productive procrastination for the win. See you in another couple months.

The Fear to Act

It's the fear to take action. The fear that I'll be wrong. That what I say will be insensitive or damaging.

That everything I do is nonsensical and ultimately worth nothing.

I want to say things, but I don't know how.

This is my third blog, my fourth attempt at blogging. It's always the same. It peters out when I realize that I'm just rambling, that of course nobody will want to read it because it's just me talking to myself.

And maybe that's all it'll ever be.

Just me talking to myself. Online.

Because it's one thing to journal in a little notebook. It's another thing to put words in a form that will never die (because, y'know, the internet is forever).

So I have to think about what I'm telling myself.

I have to really consider what it is I'm trying to say.

And I have to sit and think through issues that are always in the back of my mind but never brought to the front. I have to realize what I think.

So if I have to think through my fingers and the keyboard of my sad little laptop, I'll do that.

Don't be afraid to act.

Don't be afraid.

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

I'm the kind of person who can read a book in a day. I usually read whatever book I'm working on in a day.

This book was no exception, but it came close to being overwhelming. If it were any longer, I would have had to force myself to stop reading and take a moment to process everything like I had to do with Brandon Sanderson's Oathbringer.

So backstory time, I saw this book on the shelf at Barnes and Noble a while ago. I went home, put it on hold, and have been waiting for it since then. I picked it up from the library a few days ago.

When there are things I'm hesitant to read because I'm unsure what to expect, I let it sit. This was one of those books. An author I'd never heard of, subject matter I'd barely touched on... I didn't know what to expect.

So it sat on my shelf for couple days. I haven't read anything else during that time (besides my textbook because, y'know, school is a thing) because I'd made up my mind that it was going to be the next book I read. It needed to go back to the library because there are like a billion other holds on it or something. So yeah, can't renew it, gotta read it ASAP.

I finally grabbed it today and went to read it over lunch. I kinda forgot to eat for an hour.

This book made me think in the way that books are supposed to. It challenged things, brought concepts to life, made things REAL.

I mean, I literally just read THE chapter in my MEDIA textbook about racism and reporting on people of color. The Single Chapter, guys. (I think Starr rubbed off on me a little bit -- I want to swear a little bit because sometimes capital letters just don't cut it)

It took the words from the textbook about being careful, about the rules and ethics and #TheWayIt'sSupposedToBe of media and races and genders and issues that usually mean speaking in the tongues of political correctness (which my terrible memory DOES NOT HELP WITH (so if I offend somebody, I'm sorry -- it wasn't on purpose)) and made it real. Showed what's actually happening. Showed that it's wrong.

Just Sunday, I was talking with my best friend about not fitting in. Anywhere. We're both Asian-American and look the part, although she's half and I'm full. We're also homeschooled.

We. Don't. Fit.

We weren't made fun of, but that doesn't make you feel any better for not being white, for not going to public school, for not fitting in.

Maybe that's why this book spoke so powerfully to me. Starr doesn't fit. That was where I could relate most deeply to the character. I don't know where that point hit for others, but that's where it was for me.

I know my experience is nowhere NEAR Starr's, or any African-American's, really. But I could understand, a little bit. And because stories are like that, I could connect with the character and experience it in significantly less detail.

It all sounds stupid and trite, I know, but I guess I just wanted to spazz about it because I know I won't be forgetting this book for a long time.

It takes words and concepts that I've known for a while and makes me live it. It's not asking for pity, it's asking for people to come walk alongside.

At least, that's what I think. Maybe I'm wrong (in which case, I apologize. Please correct me).

But at the very least, this book has made me think.

It's made me realize that I cannot look away from this. I went to Urbana 2015 and was challenged to not look away when things are difficult to look at. I admit I look away when things are hard to look at. I can't watch 9/11 videos. They're too difficult to watch.

I've been looking away from the situation. I still think there's a lot of crap, but there's a lot of crap that goes on everywhere. I can't just look at the crap and judge the entire situation from that.

If I want to be seen as a person, I have to look at people as persons. I have to see the people in and around the situation.

They're not numbers, they're not statistics.

They're lives.

They matter.

I can't look away from lives. Especially when there are lives that don't have to end.

When there are lives that shouldn't have ended.

They're more than the statistics. More than the movements.

They're lives and they matter.

Drabbles

I enjoy writing fiction.

I also drabble A LOT.

To drabble is to aimlessly create a piece of fiction. (look it up)

I wrote a lot of those for my Creative Writing course a year ago and my need to drabble has only gotten worse since then (cuz it wasn't already bad enough).

I've learned to set a goal in mind, that outlines are possibly that one friend who tells you what's best and then you ignore them at your own risk, that there are so many things I want to say.

That being said, I'm kind of proud of some of them, so I'll probably post some when I don't have anything else to say.

I like blogging but a lot of it turns into me complaining to the computer screen.

It's cathartic but also makes zero sense and tends to be mean.

Like really mean.

But I digress.

All this is to say for the next little while, I'll be posting some drabbles.

Probably just one.

Maybe two, cuz I like the format of the other.

Stay cool. Bee out.

More Sanderson Rambling

Just really quick

I adore the Stormlight Archives
so if you haven't read it
and don't want it spoiled

TURN BACK NOW

Kay?

Cool.

(you didn't think I adored just the big three, did you?)

Okay but as of this point in time (Oathbringer) Kaladin Stormblessed is my favorite character because of his growth, particularly in Words of Radiance (which we now own because my sister and I both adore it and we agreed to work together and buy it).

Because he goes from considering suicide to his oaths. His third oath in particular blew me away.

"I will protect even those I hate, so long as it is right." -Words of Radiance 

Dalinar's arc (particularly in Oathbringer) made me cry.
As a reader, I haven't spent a lot of time with Adolin and I respect him (way more than I did when I first met him) but I feel like I don't quite know him as well.
Jasnah spent most of Words of Radiance being dead, so I don't really know her either, but her twist at the end of Oathbringer is *incoherent screeching*
Shallan has what's probably the most tragic backstory out of all of them and I like where her character is going.

But Kaladin Stormblessed...

He does things because he cannot look away.

Because he keeps running.
not running in a bad way, it's more he keeps going but im also going off a quote (remember that quote last post about running? That's about Fleet and it's about a race, and it's about not stopping -- not giving up)

Obviously my life is nowhere near as hard and the decisions I make are not nearly as life threatening.

But I can relate to Kaladin and how he deals with the consequences of his decision. And his ongoing depression. His inability to look away. To not do anything.

And so, I hope to do as he does and pick up. There'll be not good moments in life.
I'll never be perfect.
I'll be exhausted and done and just SO DONE.
But I don't want to give up.

I want to be able to keep running.

Life before death, strength before weakness, journey before destination.

The first ideal, the first of the immortal words.

Life will be hard and it's going to suck.

But I can keep running to the best of my ability.

Life before Death, Strength before Weakness, Journey before Destination

For glory lit, and life alive, for goals unreached and aims to strive. All men must try, the wind did see. It is the test, it is the dream.

-Wit (Words of Radiance)

Brandon Sanderson. I mentioned him in an earlier post.

I don't care if you hate him, I like his works and I'm going to spaz about them because I apparently don't do that enough with my friends.

Four (maybe five?) years ago, I didn't have a clue who Brandon Sanderson was.
It was a blissful time...

Who am I kidding?

I was road tripping to the OYAN summer workshop and reunion (I really do not remember what year it was) with my best friend and she read Alcatraz Smedry vs. the Scrivner's Bones (Alcatraz book 2) aloud to the car.

 Yeah, yeah, I know we started in the middle I'M SORRY IT'S NOT TECHNICALLY MY FAULT OKAY.

While Alcatraz is possibly not the best introduction to Brandon Sanderson (as Alcatraz is possibly one of the most ridiculous series I've ever read (but it's AWESOME okay)), it was a good introduction.

My sister and I were quick to finish the series (as it stood. Book 5 FINALLY came out two years ago).

By then, one of our friends had started reading Sanderson's other books and was praising them (and also nagging us to read them).

It took a while for us to get around to it. (I made the mistake of trying to read Elantris -- my sister read it and enjoyed it, but was surprised by how long it took to get anywhere and on the whole we were not overly impressed)

We finally picked up Sanderson's Reckoner's Trilogy. That was the beginning of the end.

We sped read that thing.
It was on to the Rithmatist.

Also a good read (because geez it's Brandon Sanderson get with the program).

I lose track of what exactly my sister read after that. I was much slower, more interested in Terry Pratchett (and also SCHOOL).

Plus, I tried to start Way of Kings twice and never got very far with it.

I thought it was the most boring thing I'd ever attempted to read.

I was left wondering why do people even like these books?

I did finally get around to reading Elantris. That helped, since it's a bit shorter but also takes forever to pick up (like Way of Kings does).

I also finally read Mistborn, but that starts out much faster and with more intensity than Way of Kings.
Yeah, I really didn't like that book.
At first.

Anyway, so fast forward to this year, when my closest friends are like: OH MY GOSH STORMLIGHT THREE IS COMING OUT *SPAZ* and I'm just in the corner like um, great guys, happy for you??

I wasn't necessarily impressed.

And then Oathbringer came out in October and my nagging friend bought it and everyone spazzed some more. My sister reread the series and I read bits over her shoulder (because that's just what I do, okay?).

I realized that the series was actually interesting.

That Way of Kings got more action-y. That I could actually care about the characters.

So around Thanksgiving, I picked up my phone and tried again (okay, but seriously have you seen how thick the book is, it's a freaking les mis and it's terrifying).

It took me three weeks to finish it (that's balancing it with school).
What most impresses me about that is that I remembered the characters.

I'm a quick reader, which is good because my mind doesn't retain names well. If a plot point or character isn't interesting, I will forget it. Not purposefully, it just doesn't stick.

I remember most of what happened in Way of Kings.

Obviously, it's a good book.

But I remember it. That makes it an excellent book (in my opinion).

And then I sped-read Words of Radiance (#2), Edgedancer (#2.5), and Oathbringer (#3) (because I'm a terrible person like that and don't care about my emotional well-being, apparently). (Also Warbreaker while I was waiting for Oathbringer, but that's not related to Stormlight)

I finished Oathbringer on Christmas Day.

I won't spoil anything, but it's really good. While Words of Radiance is probably my favorite out of Stormlight so far, I love the end to Oathbringer.

There are no words for it.

I suspect this is one of the rare series that I will enjoy rereading.

20/10 would recommend Brandon Sanderson in general. Would highly recommend Stormlight (but maybe not as an introduction to him, unless you make it a habit to read high fantasy novels not found in the YA section)

I'm off to finish the Mistborn Trilogy (and then finish the next one).








P. S. Did you see what I did?

*runs away cackling like a maniac*