Broken but still good.

It's only Wednesday (Thursday?) and this week hasn't been the greatest. I've been getting bad news all over the place and life's hectic as it is without it. For the past four days, I've had almost two caffeinated sugary drinks a day (one in the morning, one in the afternoon) just to get through without going to sleep. I haven't showered in what feels like FOREVER and ugh it's so GROSS. My mom's been having mini breakdowns and I'm terrified that she's going to completely destroy herself in the next two weeks.

tl;dr version, my life kinda sucks right now.

But amidst all the craziness, there are still good things.

Getting Hi-Chews for people. Spoiling the people that I know. Being able to laugh at things (like my best friend stealing her little brother's LEGO BB-8 cuz I said I'd pay her to do it). HAVING MOUNTAIN DEW FOR DINNER WHOOPS I THINK THIS IS WHY IM STILL AWAKE AND BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS. Teasing old friends. Managing to clean my room (this is truly a miracle, honestly).

My life's screwy and not exactly great right now, but it's good.

It's still good.

Synthesis

While flying an Allied fighter plane from Paris to England, American ATA pilot and amateur poet, Rose Justice, is captured by the Nazis and sent to RAvensbruck, the notorious women's concentration camp. Trapped in horrific circumstances, Rose finds hope in the impossible through the loyalty, bravery and friendship of her fellow prisoners. But will that be enough to endure the fate that's in store for her? 

"TELL THE STORY!"

-- Rose Under Fire, by Elizabeth Wein.

The sequel to Code Name Verity, Rose Under Fire is a story that needs to be told. Just like Hamilton, there are events that need to be told, but aren't.

"You have no control: Who lives, Who dies, Who tells your story?"

-- Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story (Hamilton)

History is so unbelievably important. I apologize (a lot) for being a nerd about history, but I really do love seeing how everything works together, how it all comes together to specific points in time. I love seeing the effects of history on modern society, especially the history of America and how there are attitudes that were prevalent in the Revolutionary Era that are still affecting us today.

For me, history is what created modern society. History is what brought us to where we are, and history is what will get us to where we plan to go.

In Moana, there's a scene in which Maui defines "wayfinding."

"...and knowing where you are by knowing where you've been."

The line stuck out to me when we were watching it in the theater and it made me think not just of history in the big picture, but also where I am personally.

Moana made me emotional because I was so unbelievably jealous.

Yeah, I know, right? But first, there's Lin Manuel Miranda and not only did he compose some of the songs for Moana, he SINGS in We Know the Way. He loves words and I have seen enough of him to know he loves singing. This man not only knows what he loves, he's doing what he loves.
Moana is born into her position. Her way of life is set -- it's later that she finally decides to do what she was destined to do (although she also knew about that, so). She seeks "freedom" but really, she never does anything that she's unsure about. She knows that she's a daughter of the chief, that the ocean chose her, that she is to help Maui restore the heart of Te Fiti. She knows who she is. (part of why I love I am Moana so much -- the song itself brings in all of these elements AND the history of her culture and how important that is in defining her)
Even the villains know who they are.

I REST MY CASE

I don't know who I am (other than being kind of weird regarding jealousy and animated characters). I don't know if people are going to tell a story about me, or if I'm to tell other people's stories (I really hope it's the second one). How should I even begin to define myself? How do I move forward from here? Where am I?

I'm running through uncharted waters, but I still have hope. Who knows how far I'll go?

I'll have more thoughts later, but for now... guess what I just saw?

(I am Moana is kinda important to the end but OH MY GOSH WATCHING IT KINDA MADE ME DIE OF HAPPINESS)

Happy New Year!

I suppose that's a little bit late, considering we're now all of five days into the new year. But five days off isn't bad.

Well, it's not too bad.

...

Okay, yeah. I guess that's kinda bad.

I am, unfortunately, a procrastinator.

source

There are different kinds of procrastinators. (a field guide to understanding the procrastinators in your life)

I am, also unfortunately, all of them, which makes me very good at not doing things that I don't want to do.

Part of the reason I tend to put things off until later is because I dislike change. Most people don't realize this because I am pretty spontaneous and impulsive, but I really don't like things that I'm not familiar with. I don't like situations where I can't predict the outcome, or where things don't go as I had initially planned.

This makes me hard to work with, unless I talk myself into a mindset of flexibility (which actually happens quite a bit -- just throwing that out there).

In fact, dislike is a very weak word to describe how I feel about change. I abhor it. I despise it. I see change coming and I run in the other direction. (I was trying to think of a word stronger than run but couldn't come up with anything >.<)

But change is a good thing, right?

I mean, without change, we would never get anywhere. Society would be in stasis and who knows where we'd be. Probably still in the stone age.

Since we're not, since society changed, I'm going to finish this post instead of painting on a cave wall and grunting. (Caveman stereotypes are a beautiful.)

Change is good and I get that, but for me, it's terrifying.

I'm working on my bachelor's degree, but if I work hard enough, I'll be done by the end of this year.
Pros to finishing this year:
I'll be done with education, at least for a little while (I have no plans to jump straight into grad school -- I want a break from homework and studies and ugh)
I won't be a humongous financial burden on my parents anymore (even just paying for tuition is HORRENDOUS)
I'LL BE FREE
Cons to finishing this year:
I have no job
I have no way of supporting myself
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IM DOING WITH MY LIFE

(is there maybe an Elizabeth Swann I could borrow? somebody to help me find some direction?)

I suspect this is the reason I've been procrastinating with school recently. For YEARS my only objective has been to finish school. Sign up for the course, finish the course. That was all, nothing really beyond that.

I know what my general objective is -- to earn a degree in Communications (and hopefully double major in English) so that I cover all my possible areas of interest in one broad sweep.

But beyond that, I have NO CLUE what I'm doing.

That's the kind of change that terrifies me the most.

It is a happy new year (despite what this may seem like) and I'm glad to have made it to 2017.

I'm just not sure where to go from here.